Yep, I’m THAT Guy You Hate On Your Flight


I love flying, because flying is all about me. From the moment I push my way onto the plane using the priority queue despite my lack of any status, to my elbows-everywhere dash down the aisle to get off once we’ve landed, I own the airways, and I really don’t care what you think. At all.

I don’t mean to boast, but I’m an important guy. I work for a company that’s going places (we just added ‘global’ to our name), and soon my boss will be giving me that promotion he’s promised me. It’s a big deal, but I’m too busy to think about it right now. Every day is back to back power meetings for me, and when I’m not closing deals, I’m shutting down people like you. Boom.

So, I’m sure you can understand in your average kind of non-important way that I don’t give a flying f*** about anyone else on a plane. But let me paint the picture clearly for you, since I can see you’re struggling to keep up.

Before I fly

Getting my money’s worth from the lounge is the first thing I do before I go anywhere. I’m not sure how the company got me lounge access, but they did and it would have cost a lot so I’m making the most of it. I have two coffees and at least three plates of food, plus whatever I can stash in my bag for later. I kick my shoes off and put my feet up on the seat because that’s what I do in my lounge at home too. 

I don’t leave for the gate until I he ar the final boarding call. And then most times I stop to browse some magazines on the way to the gate, making sure to pick up my usual copy of Big Ass Trucks.

When I travel, I need to take a lot of stuff. People in my position have to be prepared for anything; you never know what party or special event you’re going to be invited to. Like, last week I got free tickets to be an audience member at the filming of Celebrity Name Game, so I was glad I packed my Gazman suit. So, no small carry on cabin bag for me - I go for the oversized unit and just find a way to jam it up there in the overhead locker. Usually it takes up about three spaces of a normal bag.

Boarding the plane

When you get on a plane late like I do there normally isn’t a queue to worry about. If there are people there, I just hit the Priority lane and pretend I’m with someone from Gold Class.

But now you’re thinking, if you get on late, how do you get space in the overhead locker for your big bag? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s called muscle. You just push everyone else’s bags out of the way, and no one can do a damn thing about it because they’re all there buckled up in their seats and too afraid to say anything anyway. Other people’s jackets and hats are the easiest to squash.

In the air

I have work to do, and just because the plane is taking off doesn’t mean deals don’t need to be done. I don’t turn off my phone or put it on airplane mode ever; I just keep on talking to my customers and I also like to call my buddies and remember things about Friday night and how we met those girls at the bar. So awesome.

Usually because I’m a legend I smash through the work pretty quick and then it’s time for a few beers and some Netflix. I jam my seat back into recline to max up my space and because I always forget my headphones I just turn up the sound to full so I can hear every word of Iron Fist.

I always go to the toilet when I fly, and I take my magazine with me because you can’t rush nature. Too bad if you’re waiting out there in the aisle, try the other cubicle.

Getting off the plane

When the trip ends I have to get off fast, because I have a schedule to keep. I’m always unbuckled before the seatbelt sign goes off, and I can leap forward about 5 rows before anyone else gets up.

Getting my big bag down is easy too, because I just use other people’s heads to take a bit of the weight. Hey, it’s survival of the fittest.

When I get off the flight, I make sure I give the hostie some last-minute attitude about the flight being late because it’s clearly her fault and she should have done something about it. I mean, she could have spoken to the tower or something and got us a better landing slot. They can do that you know.

Heading home

Anyway, I can’t spend all day giving you my gold-plated tips about how to fly the winner’s way, because I have boxes to tick and goals to kick. Good luck finding a taxi, I jumped the queue and got the last one.