Yep, I’m THAT Guy You Hate On Your Flight

Before I fly

Boarding the plane

When you get on a plane late like I do there normally isn’t a queue to worry about. If there are people there, I just hit the Priority lane and pretend I’m with someone from Gold Class.

But now you’re thinking, if you get on late, how do you get space in the overhead locker for your big bag? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s called muscle. You just push everyone else’s bags out of the way, and no one can do a damn thing about it because they’re all there buckled up in their seats and too afraid to say anything anyway. Other people’s jackets and hats are the easiest to squash.

In the air

Getting off the plane

When the trip ends I have to get off fast, because I have a schedule to keep. I’m always unbuckled before the seatbelt sign goes off, and I can leap forward about 5 rows before anyone else gets up.

Getting my big bag down is easy too, because I just use other people’s heads to take a bit of the weight. Hey, it’s survival of the fittest.

When I get off the flight, I make sure I give the hostie some last-minute attitude about the flight being late because it’s clearly her fault and she should have done something about it. I mean, she could have spoken to the tower or something and got us a better landing slot. They can do that you know.

Heading home

Anyway, I can’t spend all day giving you my gold-plated tips about how to fly the winner’s way, because I have boxes to tick and goals to kick. Good luck finding a taxi, I jumped the queue and got the last one.

Seeya